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If you are viewing this resource, you may be wondering what you should do. Don’t worry, you are in the right place. This resource is non-judgemental and will aim to provide you with the information you need free of bias. When we look for information on abortion and reproductive rights it can be too easy for us to find harmful, hurtful or misjudged information that doesn’t help us. This is why we’ve created this guide.
This guide will assist us in knowing all of our options and give a realistic picture of abortion, understanding the process practically and emotionally, taking care of ourselves afterwards, speaking about our experience, if we would like to, and debunking common myths about abortion. This guide is for everyone who needs it, at whatever step they are at because Your Story Matters.
Disclaimer: This note is not intended and cannot be used as a legal guide. For local laws and regulations regarding abortion for your area, please refer to our directory in YSM as well as these useful resources from the Center of Reproductive Rights and Women Make Waves.
Total time to read: 50 minutes
Published: July 2019
Disclaimer: This note is not intended, and cannot be used, as a legal guide. For local laws and regulations regarding abortion for your area, please refer to our directory in YSM as well as these useful resources from the Center of Reproductive Rights and Women Make Waves.
After receiving news of an unplanned pregnancy, we may be feeling a wide range of emotions. We may be feeling happy, sad, scared or shameful. We may even feel ambivalent when we find out, which is a common reaction. Any emotion we feel is completely normal as we decide what is best for us to do next.
When deciding next steps, It’s important to ask ourselves a very serious question: Is this the right time for me to be pregnant? To help answer, we should first understand the options available to us.
With any unplanned or unwanted pregnancy, we have three options:
This is a time-sensitive decision, especially depending on how far along the pregnancy is. The location, availability, and potential cost of an abortion will also change as the pregnancy continues and depending on where we live, so it’s important that we decide and plan for an abortion as soon as we reasonably can.
If there are certain factors that rule out the choice of abortion, such as the pregnancy term, availability of resources or our own views on abortion, we may decide on adoption. It may sound obvious, but it’s important to remember that adoption still involves carrying the pregnancy to term. There might be different regulations and time frames around placing a child for adoption, depending on your location, so please check resources in your local area for more specific information.
Continuing a pregnancy should be our choice to make, and it’s important to ensure we have the right support going forward if we decide to become a parent. Again, depending on the location, there are different forms of financial aid to assist expecting parent(s), as well as support groups that may prove helpful.
Making a choice around which of these options to take during a pregnancy may be time-sensitive depending on the jurisdiction we are under, and we may need to decide quickly. When faced with tough decisions it’s common to distract ourselves or procrastinate by keeping busy with other things, even if we know what we’re going to do. That’s why it’s important to set aside enough time to really review all options and find the correct help needed.
Sometimes not having enough information makes it even more difficult to decide. We have found practical information on continuing the pregnancy that may help, as well as some practical information for adoption. As with abortion, we must make sure to note the laws, processes, and regulations for adoption in our local area.
We may be experiencing a lot of confusing and conflicting emotions and thoughts right now, and the first place to start is with how we feel about these options. Our values, beliefs, expectations or previous experiences may affect our feelings, thoughts and choices, without us even realising. Our own goals and plans for our lives may also factor into the decision-making process.
When we explore what we think and how we feel, it can help us make our decision. One way to do this could be to write it all down, as well as examine our values, experiences, goals and plans and then see where pregnancy fits.
Here are some prompts to help. Take some time to think about them, or write down some responses. We may have already decided and therefore don’t have to answer any of these if we don’t want to or aren’t comfortable - they are here to help however needed.
We need to give ourselves a safe place to think things through. We are the most important person in the decision-making process. This doesn’t mean that others aren't important, but it is vital that we prioritise our needs and actions. Other people should not make the decision for us or influence us. The most important thing to remember is that deciding on abortion should be OUR choice. We’re also not alone in making that choice, with 1 in 4 pregnancies around the world ending in abortion.
Despite all this information, we may not know how we feel in case we decide to go for an abortion, and that’s okay. This decision can be complicated, we may experience different and complex feelings, and that is normal - there are no set emotions for what we should feel. The important thing is to be secure and content that this is the right choice for us.
Dealing with unwanted pregnancies can present complex and confusing challenges for those of us who don’t identify as female, are transgender or intersex. Any discomfort or dysphoria with our bodies may surface, as well as other emotions. It’s important to take the time to consider all of our feelings. If there is a counsellor or a support group, we can talk to them, or if we feel comfortable, we can tell our loved ones what’s happening. It’s important to speak in a space where there is no pressure, threat or bias. Talking to someone should give us relief and not become stressful.
Choosing abortion may bring up some worries about accessing sympathetic reproductive healthcare. If you don’t have a regular doctor or clinic that can help with finding care, do some local research on clinic webpages, and call doctors and clinics in your area and speak to a manager to discuss and assess if they have experience treating transgender individuals or understand enough to respect your name and gender. Most importantly, ask for what you need to feel comfortable. You may want to have a friend or advocate help with research and/or accompany you for appointments. Take time to assess what support you need and how to get it.
People in unsupportive, abusive or violent relationships often say that this may affect their decisions when pregnant. Some abusive and controlling people see a partner’s pregnancy as a way of controlling them - this is reproductive coercion and a form of domestic violence. It can be our partner putting pressure on us to become pregnant when we don’t want to be, tampering with contraception, stopping us from having an abortion or putting pressure on us to have an abortion when we don’t want to. Our partners could be inflicting emotional, verbal or physical violence to make sure they get their way. Reproductive coercion, or not having the freedom to make our own decisions, can lead to unwanted and mistimed pregnancies, as well as unwanted abortions.
Everyone who can become pregnant should have the right to decide if and when they do. The ‘double crisis’ of violence and unplanned pregnancy can make it even more difficult for us to decide on the best option. Here is a helpful brochure about reproductive coercion which may help us in making the best decision for ourselves. We deserve to be physically and emotionally safe. We deserve a partner who does not hurt us.If you are concerned for your safety, you can contact support organisations or your healthcare provider for more assistance and information.
This section may be triggering, so please remember to take care of yourself and take breaks when you need to, and skip this section if it doesn’t apply to you.
Some pregnancies are a result of incest - this form of abuse is one of the hardest to deal with alongside pregnancy, due to many issues including:
Abortion in cases of rape and/or incest is allowed in a majority of countries worldwide, either through laws enumerating these grounds or by permitting abortion on request. Although rape and incest are distinct legal grounds for abortion, they are very commonly paired together in abortion laws and policies. We should make sure we get the right support we need, and check the resources shared at the beginning of this note for more information.
Although the decision is ours to make, it may help us to speak to others or hear about other people’s experiences. Speaking to loved ones may feel daunting, but discussing our options with others may be a great source of strength.
Some of the people we may decide to talk to are:
Some of these people may be unsupportive of our situation or future decision, and we have the right to distance ourselves from them if we can. The only people who should be involved in our pregnancy are the ones who care about our well-being and who will support our choices.
It’s also important to remember that abortion is a common healthcare procedure which many people opt for without telling anyone, and that is fine too! No one should feel under pressure to disclose their healthcare choices to others.
Despite the fact that others around us may try to make the decision for us, the decision is ours. Hearing stories of others who have made this decision can also be helpful, and there are lots of useful sites and communities for those who have been in our position. There are sites where people are able to freely discuss their experience and decision and sites that give more information on difficult circumstances and dealing with unplanned pregnancy. There is also a really useful pregnancy options workbook for you to look and work through.
In this note, we will discuss how to navigate our reproductive rights and freedoms and consider how abortion policies and regulations in different countries can vary and change rapidly.
Disclaimer: This note is not intended and cannot be used as a complete legal or medical guide for healthcare. For local laws and regulations regarding abortion in your area, please refer to our directory in YSM as well as the Center of Reproductive Rights and Women On Waves resources we will be sharing through this note.
Reproductive rights consist of all laws, policies, and regulations that determine our legal ability to choose what we do with our own bodies. This includes autonomous (independent) access to safe contraception and access to safe abortion options.
We all deserve the right to decide freely and responsibly the number of children we want to have and when we have them. We also deserve the right to information about our bodies. The views and laws that reflect or support these rights are called pro-choice. However, not all countries have the same reproductive rights, or the same abortion access or resources. Navigating this can be frustrating and difficult, but remember that we are here to support you during this process.
Because reproductive rights laws are often changing, it is important to find up-to-date information that is relevant to where we live. The pro-choice Center for Reproductive Rights created an informative “The World’s Abortion Laws” map to help us understand the broad laws in our area that will be regularly shared throughout this guide. Additional country specific information and local organizations can be found on the “Sexual health and abortion services worldwide” database from the pro-choice organization Women on Waves. We’ve also found a useful list of where pregnant people can access free information and services from Safe Access.
Reproductive rights vary greatly around the world. In a handful of countries, abortion care is prohibited entirely. Others permit abortion in a few cases, for example, for survivors of rape or if the life of the pregnant person is at risk. Even in places where abortion is permitted, there are many factors that can influence access, such as mandatory waiting periods, or regulations on abortion facilities that which lead to restricted their ability to provide care, or even socio-cultural and religious attitudes towards abortion.
There may be factors that affect or limit our access to abortion.
Women on Waves has informative resources on what we can do if an abortion is not a legal option for us, such as travelling to a country where abortion is permitted. As we discussed in Note 1, if we decide we don’t want to have an abortion, the other options available to us are continuing the pregnancy and becoming a parent, or continuing the pregnancy and placing the child for adoption. The Pregnancy Options workbook is a supportive resource designed to help us work through this decision.
If available, we recommend reaching out to a local, regional, or national pro-choice organization to help navigate these laws and learn about our options depending on where we live. Speaking to someone directly about abortion may be difficult, but many organizations have anonymous helplines or chat features that may make us more comfortable. While pro-choice organizations are here to support us, we should always put our own comfort first.
It is important to be aware that not every sexual health or women’s health organization or clinic is pro-choice. Movements aiming to restrict our reproductive rights have created health centers that actively try to discourage us from seeking an abortion, often called Crisis Pregnancy Centers (CPC). They do this by refusing to give clients information on abortion rights, or by giving false or misleading information about our rights or health related to abortion. Some common misleading ideas are discussed in Note 7.
CPCs often try to look like pro-choice health clinics, so recognizing them can be difficult, but we are here to support and provide advice on finding reliable, pro-choice health care. First, it might be helpful to find health centers that are affiliated with national or global pro-choice organizations, such as Member Associations of the International Planned Parenthood Federation located in 142 different countries, those listed in the country profiles of Women on Waves, and this list of MSI’s contact centres that offer free advice and referrals in over 20 countries. We might also be able to recognize a CPC based on their website or the information they give when speaking to us.
Here are a few indicators that a health center might be a CPC:
We may also find that there are no pro-choice clinics near us and a CPC is the only option for free services such as a pregnancy test. If we are in this situation, it is good to prepare ourselves to be in a potentially pressuring environment and contact a pro-choice organization to ensure we have all of the accurate information beforehand.
It’s important we remain informed on how best to navigate our reproductive healthcare options. We all deserve unbiased support , and access to correct information when we make choices or when we look for help, irrespective of what part of the world we live in.
Once we’ve decided that an abortion is the right option for us, it’s a good idea to think about all the practicalities to make sure we’re prepared. It’s important to make sure we’re booking an appointment with a reputable clinic or healthcare provider, who will respect the choices we make. When searching online we might find ‘crisis pregnancy centres’, who appear to be healthcare providers but in reality might not respect our right to end a pregnancy. There’s more information about what these centres may look like in Note 2.
The more informed we are about safe routes to abortion, the more we will be able to make the best decision for ourselves. There are two common options for abortions that we may come across: surgical and medical abortions. Usually, both can only be carried out up to a certain number of weeks into the pregnancy, so as mentioned previously, please make sure to contact a healthcare provider as soon as possible to check if the procedure can be done, and what kind it will be.
When preparing for an abortion, there are a few things we might want to consider before attending our appointment:
It is up to us to decide whether or not we want to tell anyone about our decision. However, if we have someone we trust, it may be a great help before, during and after the procedure. Depending on the rules where we live, we might either be prevented from bringing someone with us, or actually be required to bring someone (sometimes called a chaperone), particularly if we’re under 16. If we’re not sure what the requirements are where we live, we should check with our healthcare provider when booking the appointment.
In Note 6, we will go through suggestions on how to speak to someone about this. that may be helpful for the person coming with us on how they can be most supportive before, during and after the procedure.
When we have an abortion, it is our right for our information to remain confidential. This means that unless we specifically agree, none of our information will be shared with others. The hospital or clinic where we have an abortion may not be required to inform our doctors, but we have the right to ask them if they intend to do so, and also instruct them to keep our information private even from our doctor, if that is our preference. Providers have a duty to protect our privacy, and should only collect the minimum information needed to treat us safely and legally, and to check how our treatment can be funded.
If our healthcare providers suspect we are at risk of harm, they may be obliged to contact authorities under mandatory reporting laws. However, they should always tell us first if they are going to do this. We may also have to take additional considerations if we are underage.
It is important to check local laws on our confidentiality. Find more information about navigating local laws in Note 2.
It can also be helpful to be prepared for the kinds of questions we may be asked on the day. Many of these questions help the medical team get a clearer picture of why we want the abortion. This ensures that we are safe and sure of our decision. `They may ask us these questions in a pre-abortion appointment, or on the day of the abortion itself. Remember, if we feel uncomfortable or pressured to change our mind, we are allowed to leave.
These questions may relate to:
We can think, plan in advance, and bring a notebook with some questions we might want to ask, in case we forget on the day. Our providers should be able to answer our questions and be willing to discuss anything we need to in as much detail as possible.
Remember, we have the right to feel safe and secure when getting an abortion, and having the right information to prepare us can help.
Disclaimer: This note cannot be used as a medical guide.
The best way to care for ourselves physically after an abortion is to have medically accurate information about our bodies and the procedure. We should also have the contact information of a medical professional we trust for any necessary follow-up - especially if seeking abortion care is prohibited in our jurisdiction.
We should make sure that the medical professional providing our abortion provides us with information about possible side effects, as well as steps to take if we are having abnormal symptoms.
An abortion is a medical procedure. Like any procedure, it can result in side effects, some of which are completely normal, and some that we need to be mindful of. Listening to our body and noting how it responds and recovers following an abortion can be the biggest act of self-care.
After having an abortion, it is normal for us to have:
It’s important that we know where we can access an in-person healthcare service if we experience any unexpected side effects. There may be local abortion care groups that are safe places to seek support, especially if abortion is prohibited in our jurisdiction. For more information on symptoms and what to expect after an abortion, here are some helpful links from Planned Parenthood:
After an abortion, it’s common for us to wonder if everything is okay. In most cases, there is nothing serious to worry about. It is important that our healthcare providers give us instructions, guidance and information on what to expect following an abortion. This information may vary, so it’s important to check the information provided by our provider, and contact them if we are unsure.
We must be aware of the normal and abnormal symptoms that might follow an abortion so that we can properly care for ourselves. It might be helpful to check in with ourselves and log the way we’ve been feeling in a notebook as it may help us to keep that awareness, or discuss with a friend or family member we trust to keep it in our memory.
Knowing what symptoms to look out for and maintaining awareness with our bodies means we can more easily identify and get the support we need to ensure our physical wellbeing after abortion.
For some time, our hormones will change as our body tries to find balance again. We may feel sore, tired, and emotionally confused (we’ll look at how to manage emotional wellbeing in the next note).
What is most important is to take good care our ourselves after an abortion. This involves following professional medical guidance, of course, but also trying to keep to regular routines with our sleeping habits, diet, any physical activities once we can, and spending time with supportive, caring people, if possible. Some of the guidance we are given might be to avoid strenuous exercise to make sure we recover well, and to avoid sexual intercourse for a certain amount of time - our healthcare provider should give us contraception options.
If possible, we should plan to take a couple of days to rest after the procedure. We may consider focusing on light activities like reading, watching TV or any other soothing interest that gives us joy and comfort.
Here are some self-care tips that we can try if we’re physically struggling:
We also suggest creating a self-care package full of helpful items, such as a water bottle or heating pad, a pile of feel-good films or shows for a good laugh (or cry), our favourite treats, some cosy and comforting pajamas, and some tea. We must snuggle up, get comfortable, and take care of ourselves.
For those of us who menstruate, our bodies will begin to prepare for our next menstrual cycle, which usually takes a few weeks to return. It may be normal for the first few periods and cycles to be slightly irregular, but we can check with our provider if we are concerned. A helpful way to keep a record of our abortion bleeding may be to track cycles through apps like drip, where we can also log symptoms like cramps, sore breasts, and nausea to track our physical wellbeing.
Doctors generally advise that we avoid sex for a couple of weeks after our abortion to reduce the risk of any infections. It is very important to know that it is still possible to get pregnant almost immediately after an abortion. If we do not want to become pregnant, we recommend having contraception ready to use. Not all contraceptive options may be available during our appointment and our healthcare providers will advise us on our options, but if they don’t, we can always go back to ask for help.
If we are in a situation where someone is pressuring us to have sex before it is medically advised, making us feel guilty for not being able to have sex, or pressuring us into other sexual acts we are not comfortable with, remember that their behavior is not okay. We never have to engage in a sexual act if we do not want to and we do not owe sex to anyone. If we find ourselves in a situation like this, we can find more support through the Chayn guide Manipulation is Abuse.
When recovering from an abortion it is important to maintain our physical wellbeing, check in with ourselves, and - once again - always listen to our bodies. Having a clear understanding of possible symptoms and taking note of how we feel may help us understand what our body is doing or going through, and can help us know when to ask for further help when we feel something is not right. In the next note, we will examine how to look after our emotional wellbeing.
It’s very common to feel a range of emotions during the abortion process, and no one should tell us how we should be feeling. Go slow and take whatever time is needed, and remember that any emotions we may feel are all valid - there is no right or wrong.
Before we move on, we want to highlight that two common emotions are always suggested more than others - guilt and shame. These are sometimes framed as emotions we are expected to feel, but this is not the case for everyone! While we have included a section to support those who might be struggling with these feelings, we are not assuming anyone would, or should, feel this. Studies have shown that the most common feeling after an abortion is relief, so it’s not uncommon at all to feel that way. We talk about feeling relief later in this note.
We have created this guide to be as informative as possible for identifying and understanding the various ways we may feel, but there may be something we’re feeling right now that this guide may miss. We hope this note will help us all begin to find our voice, and if needed, bring forth some new insights about our lives, situations, and decisions. Additionally, this video is helpful on dealing with emotions around abortion.
As discussed in Note 1, deciding whether to have an abortion is our choice, and should be our choice alone; any and all reasons for having an abortion are valid, whether it’s due to medical concerns, not wanting a child, or feeling unprepared and re-traumatised.
Whatever decision we make, this decision is an act of prioritising our own needs and wellbeing. No one else can know exactly what we need, or have needed, because our specific personal circumstances - our physical and mental health, beliefs, social environment, emotional responses, and more - are unique to us. But any choice can bring upheavals in our lives and we may need support in addressing them.
Caring for ourselves doesn’t necessarily mean relying solely on ourselves. If we can, seeking help from others is a great way of tending to our needs. If there are people we trust, talking to them might help us navigate this experience. Whether it’s practical support such as taking us to doctor’s appointments or emotional support such as talking to us or being with us while we make a stressful phone call, we should be able to rely on people who will just listen to our worries and support our decisions without feeling the need to provide unsolicited advice.
Likewise, if finding support or people to talk to is difficult for us, Chayn and other organisations have many resources to support us when dealing with trauma. Even if we know that choosing an abortion is the right decision for us, we may feel conflicted or confused afterward. We should give ourselves permission to work through our emotions as we go forward.
We may feel fine after an abortion, like a weight has been lifted, or we may feel sad in some way, or we may not know what we’re feeling. Our changing hormones throughout the entire process, and our individual situations may impact these feelings, so it’s important to understand and identify them. While some of us may not need this - we may feel fine and continue to feel fine after - some may feel okay at first but then start to feel more negatively as time goes by, or it may just be the other way around too.
Sometimes, we may not be fully conscious of all of our feelings, and we need to work to identify them to find out how we’re really doing. To help us do that, we’ll try another exercise (exercise 2).
Whether we have positive or negative feelings, what’s important is that we begin to identify how we feel and care for our minds and bodies in the way that best serves us. Remember, this is a process, and it will take time, but this process can help us move forward.
Later in this guide, we’ll talk a bit about the negative emotions we may struggle with during and after an abortion, but first, we will discuss the positive reactions that we may experience after abortion. It is good to feel happy and confident with your decision. In fact, according to reports of people who have had an abortion, one of the most common emotions felt immediately afterward is relief.
Relief can be a good thing, especially if we were expecting to feel guilt, sadness, or regret. It’s a positive reaction and it helps us feel reassured that we did the right thing, and can help us feel hopeful and optimistic about moving forward.
As we’ve said throughout this guide, we should never feel ashamed of our choices. While we may feel relief, this might be mixed with other emotions or we might be feeling slightly confused as to why we feel relieved. Our feelings may seem at odds and leave us conflicted, but this is completely normal. We should allow ourselves to feel whatever we feel as we go through the experience, especially when we feel relief. We deserve to feel positive about the choices we’ve made for ourselves. That is completely normal too!
Many resources to support people through an abortion will immediately talk about feeling negative emotions, particularly guilt and shame. If you are feeling these emotions, continue through this section as we discuss them further. If this does not relate to you, feel free to continue to the next section. We are in charge of how we feel after this experience, and we want to make sure we carry on our journey without any undue influence.
It makes sense that we would have internalised feelings of guilt and shame; debates about morality and abortion are often present around us, or there is a taboo associated with discussing reproductive rights. But of course this does not mean that abortion is morally wrong. Having an abortion is a good decision if it feels so for the person who is pregnant. Nobody should feel that they have to continue a pregnancy.
Although there is nothing to feel guilt or shame for, societal and cultural narratives can impact our emotional wellbeing and self-image. Ultimately, we should make decisions that are based on our bodies and personal circumstances, and nobody apart from ourselves can understand the considerations unique to us.
Whether or not we have negative feelings initially, people in our lives may try to make us feel ashamed of having or even considering abortion, especially if we are not feeling negatively about it. It’s important to remember that whatever they say is not a reflection of our character or decision. Their comments are a reflection of their own prejudice and judgements, they do not reflect who we are or what we decide to do.
Some of us may turn to our faith or religious communities for guidance or support. For some communities, abortion can be a difficult issue. Having an abortion doesn’t mean we are irresponsible, bad or different to the person we were before. Sometimes we’re brought up with cultural and religious beliefs that can make us feel guilty or ashamed for needing or considering an abortion, but people of all faiths and backgrounds can and do make this choice. Abortion is not immoral.
There are a lot of negative messages worldwide about reproductive rights and abortion, so we may have to work hard to ignore its negative portrayal by the media or those in our community. Even those close to us may be anti-choice and say discouraging things. Whether they’re informed or not about our abortion, hearing these views around us might be difficult or triggering, so preparing ourselves emotionally can help.
We need positive messages for ourselves that are true, affirming and help us heal. To internalise these new messages, we’ve created this exercise (exercise 4). Positive messages can help us move through potentially challenging events in our lives and we must remember that we deserve peace.
During and after an abortion, we might experience greater sensitivity to certain ‘triggers’ related to abortion. Triggers are events, comments, experiences, and memories that remind us of something difficult and can be things we encounter in our lives, or things that we witness in the media. It is very valid to be sensitive to certain triggers while going through the abortion process, and even for a long time after.
Personal triggers we could encounter in our everyday lives include:
Working on our emotional wellbeing after abortion is about integrating this new experience into our lives without shame, guilt or fear. We have faced a potentially difficult situation and gotten through it. If we’re still holding on to negative feelings or messages about our abortion, we can find support in affirming resources. Regardless of how we are feeling, we must recognise that it is our experience, and ours alone. It’s okay to feel like we need the space to grieve or be upset, and it’s okay to feel like we need the space to appreciate the relief for the positive decision we have made. We hope this note has helped us work through some feelings we may be having, and has reminded us that we are not alone in this journey. Any feelings we may be experiencing are valid and worthy.
If you need more information, see if there an abortion hotline in your area to speak to a professional. The International Campaign for Women’s Right to Safe Abortion, Center of Reproductive Rights and Women On Waves all have information that includes local, national, regional and international organisations and agencies that can provide information and support in a number of areas.
Disclaimer: This note cannot be used as a legal guide. Though we should be under no obligation, legal or otherwise, to tell someone about an abortion, check with your local laws and regulations regarding abortion disclosure. You can refer to our directory in YSM as well as these useful trackers from the Center of Reproductive Rights and Women On Waves for more information.
Once we feel secure about our decision to have an abortion we may feel like informing people in our lives who we feel are going to be supportive. It is not our job to convince anyone that we’ve made the right decision for ourselves.
If we do decide to tell someone, it’s important to reflect on our expectations about what we want to get out of the conversation. Do we want to feel supported? Is this person going to be able to help in the way we need? How might this person react?
If we are struggling with the idea of sharing, that’s valid - it is all about focusing on what makes us comfortable and safe. We should take as long as we need to go through this note and work through the exercises. We’ll be here whenever we are needed.
The most important part of telling someone about our abortion is to freely communicate our wishes. Sometimes we can become overwhelmed when trying to talk about difficult topics, and we tend to forget what we want to say. Preparing points that clearly explain our decision might help us stay on track and focus on what is important to us.
We can’t know exactly how someone will react, so it may help for us to plan and imagine the reactions we think they might have and how we would respond to them.
Working through these questions may help us decide whether or not we want to tell a specific person about our decision.
We may be working through these questions and have some worries. That’s natural! If we are worried about what people will say, we should tell them what we need. Exercising our needs first makes sure that the people we are speaking to understand us and our choice.
Some examples are:
We need to listen to ourselves if we feel uncomfortable at any time, as any negative reactions may throw us off. If we start to feel like our heart is racing and we’re getting an anxious pit-in-our-stomach feeling, know that it is okay to put the conversation on pause, breathe for a second, and come back in a couple of minutes. It may also be helpful for us to have some tactics to manage the anxiety of telling someone. We currently offer a Managing Anxiety course with Bloom, which you can sign up for.
Once it’s over, it may help to find someone who we know will be encouraging and then text or call that person to decompress and process our feelings.
Having a plan in place may help us prepare for how to approach someone and take in their response. If you are worried about a violent reaction, have someone else there who can protect you and have an exit plan ready.
For clarity, ‘partner’ is used here to mean whoever we are in a relationship with, not just the person we conceived with. Though we may feel a responsibility to discuss our abortion with our partner, it is important to remember that at any stage of the decision making process,, we may not be under legal obligation to do so. Check on the useful CRR and Women On Waves live trackers for abortion law and the legal obligations for sharing information.
Telling a partner can be a particularly challenging thing to do. For instance, they may have certain reservations about our decision to have an abortion. It can be difficult to potentially go against the wishes of someone else but when considering something like this, our own happiness, health and comfort should be most important to us.
Before we initiate the conversation, the first thing to consider is if we feel safe in the relationship. If we do, we can think about whether or not we’ve had any conversations about pregnancy and parenthood previously. We could consider what our partner has said about these things. It might be a relief or it might be a shock to them, and this might help how we plan the conversation.
If we think that our partner (or anyone we choose to share with) will disagree with our decision, we should discuss it at a time when we can both be fully present, and allow ourselves to be heard.. No one likes to hear: “we need to talk”, so we should let our partner know what the topic is and what it means for us to be sharing.
Another way to help us articulate our decisions and thoughts is by using "I" statements - we have chosen this for ourselves and are involving them by sharing with them through mutual respect. While it’s important that our partner knows that we will be respectful of their feelings, it’s also vital that we allow ourselves to feel our emotions too.
Some couples come together in this situation and some pull apart. The best situations happen when both people can talk honestly about how they feel and listen to each other without blaming or hurting each other.
If we are in a relationship where we feel unsafe, how we handle the discussion may be different. Most importantly, we need to make sure we have a safe, planned way to address the conversation. There are some safety plans we can create online to help us. If we feel unsafe but still need to discuss the decision, this should be done in as neutral a location as possible where a third person, who we trust, knows where we are. Our safety is the most important thing, and we deserve the right to decide for ourselves what we want, and have others accept that.
Teenagers
In many countries, a parent or legal guardian of a minor (under 18) must be notified or give consent if their child wants to have an abortion, place a child for adoption, or seek medical care.
If we are under no legal compulsion to tell them but decide that we still want to, it could be helpful to plan ahead and imagine what they might say or think.
It may be good for us to involve a parent if:
When deciding whether to tell a parent, it’s also important to ask, “if I cannot tell a parent/guardian, is there someone else I can speak to?”
Depending on age and personal circumstances, sometimes the people we confide in may be obligated to report our pregnancy to higher authorities. This is most likely the case if we are under the legal age of consent and it comes to the attention of a mandatory reporter (such as a teacher, religious official, medical professional, etc). For information about whether our country requires that our parents be told before an abortion, check on the live and updated trackers for abortion law across the world, and ask a local clinic or family planning agency.
Even if the decision is clear to us, abortion is a complex issue and we can never predict how our family will react - they could be angry, disappointed, confused, shocked, and hurt or happy and satisfied that we made the right decision for us. That’s why it may be helpful to work through the exercises in the section titled ‘Setting up the conversation’ so that we may allow ourselves the time and space to plan how we’ll speak about it, and ensure we have the support we need.
While everyone hopes that the conversation goes well, unfortunately this isn’t always the case. Those around us may react strongly to the news and might need some additional time to process everything. In these cases, it’s easy to feel guilty or wonder how we could have approached the conversation differently. However, we need to remember that we can’t control how they react; we can only control how we choose to respond.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to open up about our abortion to anyone, at any time. As we go forward, it’s important to remember that while we can’t dictate or define the reactions of others, we have agency in our choices and self-care going forward.
There is so much discussion about abortion, and often it’s from anti-choice perspectives - meaning those who don’t believe in our right to do what we want with our bodies. This means that it is often hard for us to understand the reality of what getting an abortion involves and that we are often told the wrong things about it. This note will discuss facts and dispel some common anti-choice and cultural myths about conception and motherhood, to help us gain more clairty on the subject of abortion.
Disclaimer: This guide cannot be used as a legal or medical guide. For more information about abortion laws in your area, please refer to our directory in YSM as well as these useful live trackers from The Center for Reproductive Rights and Women on Waves.
There are two main types of abortion: medical and surgical. The type of abortion we get will often depend on the stage of pregnancy we are in, and the laws in our area.
In a medical abortion, the person receiving the abortion takes two pills around 24 to 48 hours apart. Usually, the first pill is taken at the doctor’s office and the second is taken at home. In the UK and a few other countries (e.g. Australia and South Africa), we can now access telemedicine abortion care. This means we receive both pills at home via post, with virtual support from a healthcare provider. This is a much more subtle method of treatment, as we don’t have to leave home for an appointment, and it may be beneficial for those of us who are vulnerable to various biases and threats, including the risk of abuse.
There are two main types of surgical abortion: vacuum or suction aspiration, and dilation and evacuation. In a vacuum/suction aspiration abortion, a low level of suction is applied through a device inserted into the cervix to remove the pregnancy. In a dilation and evacuation abortion, the cervix is opened using a device, and the pregnancy is removed with a tool called a ‘forceps’.
For a surgical abortion, the person receiving the abortion is given a local anaesthetic to numb sensation from the vagina, cervix, and uterus. In some cases, we may be given a general anaesthetic, in which we are fully unconscious - this depends on the circumstances of our pregnancy.
This depends on the laws where we are located, as there are often many restrictions on when an abortion is allowed. Find more information about abortions laws here.
Pregnancy is measured in weeks, starting from the first day of our last period. In areas where abortion is legal, it is most widely available during the first trimester (the first 12 weeks). As the pregnancy continues, abortion may only become available in rare cases. So, if we are seeking an abortion, the sooner we can access a service, the easier it will be, as later pregnancies are more difficult to arrange for and also have greater risks involved. The times, regulations, and availability will vary depending on where we live, so please make sure to check with local providers or on the trackers we have linked at the beginning of this note.
Many people report some discomfort and pain in the form of cramping, like a heavy period. We should always inform our medical provider if we experience severe discomfort and need help. There is likely to be some vaginal bleeding during the first week or two after getting an abortion; if this lasts longer or feels much heavier than a period, we should always speak to the healthcare team who performed the abortion. The Ami Explains Abortion video series includes helpful illustrations of what can be expected in terms of bleeding (e.g., how frequently to change a pad and what is too much), so that we can assess whether it’s an expected side effect or if we are facing a complication.
If we get an abortion, any relevant information regarding discomfort should be provided to us. The staff at the abortion centre should be able to answer any of our questions or concerns whether in person or over the phone.
When performed by a certified medical procedure by qualified practioners, an abortion is just as safe as any other minor medical procedure.
There are myths that abortions cause damage and further health complications, but studies and statistics show that complications due to abortion are rare. There is currently no medically accepted evidence that shows any link between abortion and any type of disease or illness.
There is also a myth that we are ‘harmed psychologically’ after an abortion. A common term used we may have heard of is “post-abortion syndrome”. This term was coined to describe the alleged psychological and emotional difficulties we might face after an abortion. Again, there is no evidence to show that this is real, and studies have debunked this myth a number of times.
Some of the most common myths surrounding abortion are about the types of people who get them. The truth is - people of all fertile age groups can and do have abortions.
Also, people in relationships get abortions too! This could be for many reasons - we may not want children, or we may want children eventually but don’t feel able to provide for them now. Maybe we’re already parents and don’t think having another child would be a good idea.
Many of us get abortions for health reasons. There may be physical or mental health risks associated with pregnancy for us, or there may be complications that make termination the safest option for our health.
It’s also important to remember that the reason for our abortion doesn’t define if we are “good” or “bad”. Those of us needing abortions for medical reasons are not more “moral” than those of us who choose to have an abortion for other reasons. We are all valid. Medical care is a human right; human rights are not retractable based on behaviours that society has decided to moralise as ‘good’ and ‘bad’.
Finally, it’s not true that only women can have abortions. Transmen, non-binary people, and gender non-conforming people get abortions, because if we have a uterus, it is possible to get pregnant.
We are all wonderful, complex individuals who deserve to be seen, heard, and represented when it comes to reproductive healthcare and abortion narratives. When we decide on abortion, we are not acting irresponsibly. We are making the most responsible choice and deciding what is best for us.
Myth: An abortion decreases fertility, and will make it more difficult to get pregnant or carry to term in the future.
Truth: Abortion very rarely impacts fertility - only if there is a complication with the procedure, and even then it is unlikely. Actually, most people are fertile again very soon after abortion, so it’s important to use contraception immediately afterwards if you still don’t want to get pregnant.
Myth: Women will have fewer abortions if abortion is prohibited or restricted
Truth: The sad truth is: we will have fewer safe abortions if access to abortion is restricted or prohibited. According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), global estimates from 2010–2014 demonstrate that 45% of all induced abortions are unsafe. Developing countries bear the burden of 97% of all unsafe abortions. More than half of all unsafe abortions occur in Asia, most of them in south and central Asia. In Latin American and Africa, the majority (approximately 3 out of 4) of all abortions are unsafe. In fact, some studies have indicated that increased access to abortion, particularly for young people, is associated with lower pregnancy rates. This might be because when access to abortion is coordinated with increased access to sex education, contraception, and reproductive healthcare, we see an overall positive effect on safe sex behaviours.
Myth: Emergency contraception is a form of abortion
Truth: Emergency contraception such as the ‘morning after’ pill, is a way of preventing pregnancy from occurring in the first place. It has no effect if implantation has already happened, so it’s medically not an abortion.
Myth: You shouldn’t become a parent if the baby was conceived due to sexual assault.
Truth: This myth is centred around society’s false victim-blaming narratives, where it is the survivor’s fault for being sexually assaulted or raped. This narrative is then layered onto additional messages of blame and guilt for survivors who become pregnant as a result of the assault. For some survivors, the emotional difficulty of deciding if we should get an abortion is amplified by the cruel messages around whether or not we ‘should’ become a parent.
There are no ‘shoulds’ - either for getting an abortion, or becoming a parent. The decision is entirely ours. If keeping the pregnancy is what we want - no matter how it was conceived - that is a valid decision.
Myth: You shouldn’t become a parent if you’re going to be a single parent.
Truth: This myth is based on many different kinds of societal prejudices. There’s a lot of misogyny associated with the label ‘single mother’. In many places, racist and caste-based ideas contribute to this myth too, for example, that certain groups or communities are more ‘reckless’ in conceiving unwanted pregnancies.
Again, this myth is designed to trigger guilt that having just one parent won’t be ‘enough’ if the pregnancy was unplanned. This myth is also contradictory because pregnant people are told simultaneously that it is wrong to get an abortion, but its also wrong to become a single parent. Single parenthood is a valid decision, and entirely up to the person who is pregnant.
Myth: You should just put the child up for adoption!
Truth: We’ve talked about adoption in our first note, but we wanted to address this myth because it’s one we hear very often. We’re told that it’s morally wrong to get an abortion, and if we don’t want to be a parent we should just put the child up for adoption.
There are many reasons why this is overly simplistic; it’s often a difficult and complicated process to put a baby up for adoption. Adoption is a valid decision, of course, but this myth obscures the fact that there are still nine months of physical and emotional changes of pregnancy to get through, in addition to the process of adoption.
Choosing abortion should not be a decision made out of guilt or pressure placed on us by society; it should be a reflection of what we personally want. We hope this note has helped with some thoughts or statements that may have upset us or made us question our decisions or situation. Please always remember that the opinions of another person, group, or institution should never come before our health, happiness, and wellbeing.
At some point in our lives, we may support someone who has had an abortion or is considering one: a friend, family member, even a colleague or a neighbour. Whether they come to us because they are considering abortion and want support, or are opening up to us after having one, we need to make sure the conversation is helpful, supportive, and non-judgmental. Whether they are sharing this information with us in person or otherwise, we must ensure the warmest environment possible for the conversation.
Firstly, we should let them know they are not alone. This person may have come to us for many different reasons - seeking help, advice, or just warmth and support. Whatever the reason is, it is important that they know we are with them and there to listen.
Likewise, we should make it clear that we trust them. They are the only ones who can make this decision so we must empower them with our trust in them to do what’s best.
We should not put them down, and instead highlight their strengths. They might be experiencing negative emotions, so we should make sure to remind them of all of their wonderful qualities, share the options available, and assure them that no matter what decision they make or made, it was the right one.
In terms of practical support, we can ask how we can help them. By creating space for them to come to us, we allow them to understand that they deserve access to help and support.
When talking with someone about their experience with abortion, it is important to use active listening skills. This means paying attention to the other person, and validating their experience without projecting too much of our own experiences onto them. Here, we’ve broken down some essential components of active listening for us to use in our conversation:
Let’s have a look at an example of how to use active listening skills to support someone. Let’s say someone tells us they recently had an abortion, and it comes out that we are the only person they have told. Here is one gentle way of responding:
‘Thank you for sharing this with me. I know this is very personal information, and that it was probably a lonely decision to make, so I appreciate your trust and openness with me.’
This statement affirms their emotions, and builds trust with the other person without offering any unsolicited advice. This is how we want to speak with people. By contrast, we never want to offer judgement on how the person should have behaved, as doing so makes it seem like our support for them is conditional. We want to offer unconditional support to this person and active listening is the way to do that.
When someone tells us that they have had an abortion, they have trusted us with very personal information. We should offer them kind phrases that show our support and trust, such as ‘Thank you for opening up to me’, ‘I am here for whatever you need’, and ‘I support your decision’. We could also ask if they have any triggers related to the abortion, and if there’s anything we can do to help to minimise the harm of those triggers in our interactions with them.
They may have had previous encounters with people who reinforced negative messages about abortion. Our support for their decision is a compassionate way of shifting the perspective of some of those messages and showing that we don’t judge them for their decision.
Even though they have already had an abortion, there may still be ways we can help practically. We could consider asking them if they need anything, offer to accompany them to the doctor for follow-up appointments, or bring them food.
We should check in with this person from time to time. Even if there are no concrete or practical ways we can help them, by offering support long-term and showing that we are thinking about them, we let them know they can come to us whenever they need support. It’s also important not to treat our loved one in a drastically different way after abortion - show them that they are still our friend/sibling/partner by continuing to show support in ways that aren’t related to the abortion, as this does not and should not define them.
There are a couple of things that we should not say. For instance, we shouldn’t ask for details of the abortion that may make them uncomfortable. They may still be processing their feelings about the abortion, so our questions should allow them space to do that. We should also refrain from convincing them to discuss any difficult memories or feelings that they’re not ready to talk about.
We should also not ask whether they regret getting an abortion or if they considered other options - again, our role is to allow them to open up about their experience without making them think that there is any ‘right’ way to feel. If we use the active listening skills outlined above, we can help create a healing space for them.
The decision to have an abortion is deeply personal and should only be made by the person who is pregnant. Although we shouldn’t and can’t make the decision for a loved one, we can play an important part in supporting them and making them feel content with their decision.
The most important thing for us to do is to listen to our loved one. We do not have to offer advice or an opinion and we shouldn’t try to if they haven't asked it of us.
If we are unable to offer the guidance they are looking for, we can help by pointing them in the direction of specialist resources, organisations and trained professionals who can help. Finding these resources for them can be a great way to help, if they want us to.
We should also remember that we are best at supporting others when we are well ourselves. Setting boundaries is not being unsupportive. Abortion is a personal topic and may result in intense conversations. It’s important to protect ourselves for our own sake but also for the sake of the person we are supporting. If our loved one has chosen us to confide in, we should be prepared to support them throughout everything to the best of our abilities.
By keeping our personal opinion out of the decision process, we can ensure that we are not left feeling responsible or accountable for the decision our loved one has made.
At some point in our lives, we may support someone who has had an abortion or is considering one: a friend, family member, even a colleague or a neighbour. Whether they come to us because they are considering abortion and want support, or are opening up to us after having one, we need to make sure the conversation is helpful, supportive, and non-judgmental. Whether they are sharing this information with us in person or otherwise, we must ensure the warmest environment possible for the conversation.
Firstly, we should let them know they are not alone. This person may have come to us for many different reasons - seeking help, advice, or just warmth and support. Whatever the reason is, it is important that they know we are with them and there to listen.
Likewise, we should make it clear that we trust them. They are the only ones who can make this decision so we must empower them with our trust in them to do what’s best.
We should not put them down, and instead highlight their strengths. They might be experiencing negative emotions, so we should make sure to remind them of all of their wonderful qualities, share the options available, and assure them that no matter what decision they make or made, it was the right one.
In terms of practical support, we can ask how we can help them. By creating space for them to come to us, we allow them to understand that they deserve access to help and support.
When talking with someone about their experience with abortion, it is important to use active listening skills. This means paying attention to the other person, and validating their experience without projecting too much of our own experiences onto them. Here, we’ve broken down some essential components of active listening for us to use in our conversation:
Let’s have a look at an example of how to use active listening skills to support someone. Let’s say someone tells us they recently had an abortion, and it comes out that we are the only person they have told. Here is one gentle way of responding:
‘Thank you for sharing this with me. I know this is very personal information, and that it was probably a lonely decision to make, so I appreciate your trust and openness with me.’
This statement affirms their emotions, and builds trust with the other person without offering any unsolicited advice. This is how we want to speak with people. By contrast, we never want to offer judgement on how the person should have behaved, as doing so makes it seem like our support for them is conditional. We want to offer unconditional support to this person and active listening is the way to do that.
When someone tells us that they have had an abortion, they have trusted us with very personal information. We should offer them kind phrases that show our support and trust, such as ‘Thank you for opening up to me’, ‘I am here for whatever you need’, and ‘I support your decision’. We could also ask if they have any triggers related to the abortion, and if there’s anything we can do to help to minimise the harm of those triggers in our interactions with them.
They may have had previous encounters with people who reinforced negative messages about abortion. Our support for their decision is a compassionate way of shifting the perspective of some of those messages and showing that we don’t judge them for their decision.
Even though they have already had an abortion, there may still be ways we can help practically. We could consider asking them if they need anything, offer to accompany them to the doctor for follow-up appointments, or bring them food.
We should check in with this person from time to time. Even if there are no concrete or practical ways we can help them, by offering support long-term and showing that we are thinking about them, we let them know they can come to us whenever they need support. It’s also important not to treat our loved one in a drastically different way after abortion - show them that they are still our friend/sibling/partner by continuing to show support in ways that aren’t related to the abortion, as this does not and should not define them.
There are a couple of things that we should not say. For instance, we shouldn’t ask for details of the abortion that may make them uncomfortable. They may still be processing their feelings about the abortion, so our questions should allow them space to do that. We should also refrain from convincing them to discuss any difficult memories or feelings that they’re not ready to talk about.
We should also not ask whether they regret getting an abortion or if they considered other options - again, our role is to allow them to open up about their experience without making them think that there is any ‘right’ way to feel. If we use the active listening skills outlined above, we can help create a healing space for them.
The decision to have an abortion is deeply personal and should only be made by the person who is pregnant. Although we shouldn’t and can’t make the decision for a loved one, we can play an important part in supporting them and making them feel content with their decision.
The most important thing for us to do is to listen to our loved one. We do not have to offer advice or an opinion and we shouldn’t try to if they haven't asked it of us.
If we are unable to offer the guidance they are looking for, we can help by pointing them in the direction of specialist resources, organisations and trained professionals who can help. Finding these resources for them can be a great way to help, if they want us to.
We should also remember that we are best at supporting others when we are well ourselves. Setting boundaries is not being unsupportive. Abortion is a personal topic and may result in intense conversations. It’s important to protect ourselves for our own sake but also for the sake of the person we are supporting. If our loved one has chosen us to confide in, we should be prepared to support them throughout everything to the best of our abilities.
By keeping our personal opinion out of the decision process, we can ensure that we are not left feeling responsible or accountable for the decision our loved one has made.